How free flowing beer at Company staff party messed me up

By Mwalimu Andrew

My brother Pius and I may not be seeing eye to eye, nor even hearing ear to ear. But once in a while, he remembers me. He may be remembering me only in matters where he doesn’t spend his own money but that is besides the point.

This year he remembered me big time. So big that I am beginning to think that he had an ill-motive. It all started with a call last Monday. My brother rarely calls me, unless there is a problem.

“What are you doing on Wednesday?” he asked me.

I told him I was very busy. With Pius you have to sound busy otherwise he will start sending you on such errands as carrying a bed for him from a fundi, or some other dirty job.

“What about in the evening?”

“My evening is tight as well,” I said, fearing that he may send me to pick a house girl for him from Msamaria Mwema. Pius changes house girls every two weeks!

“We have a Christmas party at Safari Park Hotel,” he said. “I thought I could invite you.”

Now there was no way I was going to turn down an invite for a big company Christmas party at Safari Park Hotel. I had always admired Safari Park from outside. I jumped at the opportunity.

Come Wednesday morning and I went to class. After class I went to the library to study for we had a CAT the next day at 8 am. I read and read until I could recite all the notes word for word. The only problem was with the calculations. While I could accurately define multiple statistical terms, the problem was with calculations. Much as I tried to calculate, I was still getting deficits, just like the Eurobond calculations.

DRESSED TO KILL

After the session of hard reading, I walked to SZ 39 where we had a group discussion. Those who think of me as a statistical failure would be pleasantly surprised to hear that I was the group leader and led them through the discussions, my major qualification being that I had been in that class before and I knew some of the questions that could come. I haven’t said anywhere that I knew the answers.

It was 1 pm when we finished the group discussions. By this time, I was tired and my head was spinning up and down, with different formulas crisscrossing from one part of the brain to another, all competing for my attention. Needless to say, this caused a severe headache.

Until my brain remembered that there was something great to look forward to — the staff party at Safari Park. Pius had told me there would be plenty of food so I did not take any lunch. Although I come from the village, when it comes to dressing, I do it better than most Nairobians.

Across the city, I am always the star attraction due to my sharp, crisp dressing. I was planning to be even smarter that evening

After several attempts of mix and match, I settled on my newest, latest, shiniest polyester blue Kaunda suit that has four pockets. I borrowed an iron box from our neighbour and spent at least an hour ironing it such that the straight line could cut a housefly into two if it landed there. I styled it with my latest, newest Safaricom “Shangwe Mtaani” T-shirt, leaving the coat unbuttoned. I wore my white and red Reebok sports shoes with matching yellow socks and completed this with my special  occasion spectacles.

I left KU at 4.30 pm. Pius had said the bash would begin at 6 pm and I did not want to be late. All eyes were on me all the way from Nyayo Hostel to the gate. There were more looks from fellow passengers — looks of admiration.

I arrived at Safari Park at 5.30pm and after asking around I was directed to the venue. There was no one in the tent so I took the time to walk around the expensive hotel. You can only know how big Safari Park is by walking around it. I got lost on my way back, and only traced the correct tent at around 7 pm. There were people milling in slowly, and it wasn’t around 8 pm that the programme began. We were all invited for supper, which they called dinner.

FULL PLATE

As usual, I was guided by my top food principle – eat what you may not easily get tomorrow. I filed my plate to the brim. In the meantime, soft music was playing and as soon as we started eating, the programme started. The big managers spoke and, just like we do in school on closing day, they announced the best workers in each department.

The DJ then announced that the bar was open. I had carried some Sh370 to be used to buy drinks and as I walked to the bar, I wasn’t sure if I could afford any drink. I did not know any of the drinks but as a true son of Mwisho wa Lami, I was attracted by one bottle that had a chicken drawn on it. It must have had chicken flavour. Its name was Famous Grease or something. I asked for the price of a full bottle and I was shocked to hear drinks were free. This was too good to be true!

I took the full bottle and went back to my table. Nairobians were weaklings and I was surprised to see them mix their drinks with water or soda. Having taken more potent stuff at Hitler’s, there was no way I was going to dilute mine so I went for direct injection. I filled my glass and took it down in one single gulp – we call that one touch! I took another full glass, then started taking it down slowly.

At this time music was playing and everyone around was dancing – or so I remember. I joined them on the dance floor where lot of the ladies wanted to dance with me, clearly attracted by my sharp dressing.

After dancing, I dragged myself back to my table which I had difficulty locating. I remember being helped to sit down, and once seated, I continued drinking the Famous Grease, for didn’t wahenga say that dawa ya moto ni moto?

The next think I remember was being woken up roughly. When I opened my eyes, it was daylight although everything was hazy. My head was throbbing as if all the Burundi protagonists had gathered there.

MISSED EXAM

Unable to even walk well, some gentlemen helped me to a corner of the tent and helped me lie down again. I checked for my wallet and phone and they were intact. I was woken up by my phone ringing. It was Pius and he wanted to find out if I had returned to KU. He was not surprised to hear that I was still at Safari Park and burst into laughter.

“Si ulifanya vituko jana usiku,” he said amid more laughter. I found my way to the bus stop and took a matatu to the university. Besides the headache, the music that had played the night before was now loudly replaying in my head, competing with the Burundi soldiers who were also in action in my head!

At the gate, I met one of my group members who asked me how I was. “Umelala wapi?” he asked me. I could not answer him.

“Thank you,” he told me. “One of the questions you told us yesterday actually came in the CAT.” That is when it hit me that I had missed the Statistics CAT. I could not go looking for the lecturer as my head was throbbing. I dragged myself to our room in Nyayo and went straight to sleep.

I was still in the same state by Christmas Day. Things only got better yesterday. I will go look for the lecturer first thing tomorrow morning for a make-up CAT as I am still determined to make this my last session at KU! In the meantime, I am not accepting any invites from Pius. He doesn’t have my best interest at heart!

This story first appeared in the Sunday Nation on 27^th  December 2015