Mwalimu Andrew
Like it happens every year, Christmas is a time for cheer and merriment in Mwisho wa Lami. Time when all the young men and women who spend their year in Nairobi and other towns come back home to show off their only valuable earthly possessions, bought after a year’s hard work in the towns — new clothes and phones.
A few days to Christmas day, you could smell excitement from far. It was there in the air for all to feel and touch. All houses had got a fresh coat of paint made of cow dung mixed with multi-coloured soil — with special Christmas messages written on most homes.
“MARRY CHRISMAS,” read the message on my mother’s house, the artwork of Caro, my sister and Mwisho wa Lami’s Cabinet secretary for Rumours and Information.
On Rasto’s house, the message was more colourful and big: HARPY EX-MAS AND MARY NEW YAER!
CELEBRATORY DRINK
As you know, the laugh of my life had been admitted to hospital with severe acute malignant fever.
But thanks to the hard work of the medical staff at Mwisho wa Lami Health Centre, your prayers, including a special visit by Apostle Elkana Manasse, the Revered Spiritual Superintendent of THOAG (The Holiest Of All Ghosts) Tabernacle Assembly, Fiolina improved quite fast and was discharged last Monday.
To celebrate her quick recovery, I invited a few of my close friends to come over Christmas day for a celebratory drink and meal. And when I say close friends, you know the usual suspects: Saphire, Nyayo, and Kizito.
Also invited were Rasto, Alphayo, and Rashid, among other people who are privileged to sit in my inner circle. Tocla, Fiolina’s brother who always sees me as an ATM, was not left behind.
But before I continue with how I planned for this day, I must tell you how I was unhappy to see Elkana come to visit Fiolina in hospital. Those of you with average memory will remember how I had found Elkana praying with Fiolina suggestively a few months ago.
KEEPING AN EYE ON HIM
Those of you with good memory know that I then quit THOAG and ordered Fiolina never to be seen in that church again. And she left — or so I thought.
But when Apostle Elkana came to visit her last Sunday, I did not like it; and I even told Fiolina and the nurse that I wouldn’t allow it.
But since Fiolina allowed him in, plus the fact that the nurse said there was no harm in allowing him inside, I let him stay near Fiolina — but kept an eye on him closely.
And when he ordered me to leave the room so that he could perform very special prayers for my wife, I refused, and helplessly watched as he touched her face and back, praying for her. That evening, Fiolina talked highly of him.
“Elkana’s prayers have really helped,” she said later. “I can now stand up and walk; things I could not imagine doing early today.” I reminded her that it was the good work of the doctors but she insisted that it was Elkana’s prayers that had worked miracles. She was discharged the next day.
A day later, Fiolina was up and down the house like normal. We disagreed only when she said she wanted to go to the market to do some shopping. I vehemently opposed this, reminding her that she was still unwell.
FOOD FOR THE VISITORS
I must, however, admit here that the reason I opposed this was because I was not ready to give her the kind of money she wanted. She knew I had some money — some good money.
To settle her hospital bill, I had sold three trees from the many that I had planted in my father’s farm some years ago. Although the buyer had paid, my father was not aware that I had sold them and I was still calculating on how to manage the situation.
“Write for me what you want; I will go buy for you,” I told my wife. She then gave me a long list. It’s only when I challenged her to tell me why she wanted so many things that she told me she would be having some visitors.
“Since I left hospital, people keep visiting me,” she said. And I am sure tomorrow after church they will visit me.” This was music to my ears. I had wanted her to prepare a good meal for my visitors and I used this disclosure to tell her:
“My friends will also be vising you, so we need to prepare enough food,” I said. To her shock, I, for the first time in our marriage, accepted her shopping list. I also gave her Sh330 to have her hair relaxed.
As I bought her shopping that day, I also took time to buy some bottles that would be used by my guests. These were to be used as top dressing as the main drink would be bought that evening from Hitler’s!
THANKSGIVING SERVICE
Early Christmas day and Caro arrived to assist my wife. They prepared chapatis, mandazi, rice and two stewed chicken, among other dishes. They covered them well with banana leaves to keep warm and then left for church.
My guests arrived a few minutes after Fiolina and Caro had left for church. First to arrive was Nyayo. I had given him some money to get us some concentrated “camera” stuff from Hitler’s and he arrived with several juice bottles concealed in a bag.
He was joined by Saphire, Rasto and Alphayo, in that order. Within half an hour, the house was full.
There was one Summit beer for each of us, which we took leisurely. But under the table were two bottles from Hitler’s that everyone was concentrating on. Soon, as people became “toxic”, the room became noisy, and disorderly.
Then I heard some singing outside. When I checked, I saw Apostle Elkana leading the entire THOAG congregation to our home. They were shocked to find the house full.
Unknown to me, Fiolina had also planned for a special thanksgiving service. It involved a church service at THOAG followed by lunch and prayers by the church’s leaders in our house, both sessions presided by Apostle Elkana.
TOO MUCH NOISE
In short, THOAG’s leadership had been invited for Christmas prayers at our place that day.
My guests would not stand up to let Fiolina’s guests sit, so Elkana and his people remained standing.
“Maombi wapeleke kanisa,” said Nyayo. “Wasituharibie Krismas.” I tried to calm my people down but even I could not control them.
Immediately, Apostle Elkana started praying. He was joined by others and soon they were all praying in languages I could not understand, others singing while others shouted. My guests were not cowed.
Led by a clearly toxic Nyayo and Saphire, they also started singing.
Kwame, our neighbour, came to complain that we were making too much noise for him but no one listened. Even Juma came to complain, but this only took the singing and the prayers a notch higher.
POLICE SHOWED UP
Elkana then took one of the bottles and threw it outside. All his people joined in and also attempted to take away the other bottles. A struggle ensued between my guests and Fiolina’s that threatened to get ugly.
We were only stopped by the voice of the assistant chief, who arrived with two administration police officers. On seeing a police officer, Nyayo and Saphire suddenly got sober and disappeared into thin air.
Rasto and Alphayo tried to flee but one of the officers got hold of them. Things settled down but, by then, our house was a total mess.
Luckily, I still had some money. Otherwise knowing my history with the assistant chief; we would have ended up in a cell. In the meantime, I have totally banned Elkana from ever stepping into our home.
This story first appeared in the Sunday Nation on 28th December, 2014
